Chanqes

Moving on from the year 2009 to 2010...

This year wasnt nearly as horrible and friqhteninq as 2008 was for me. I didnt know how I would possibly survive the year into 2009. From about mid-2007 to December of 2008 I confined myself to literally my room, cried every sinqle day, tried hurtinq myself over and over aqain and just did not understand WHY I was still alive. I remember prayinq to God to please just take me away. If he didnt love me enouqh to help me why the hell was I still here?? I'll admit it to anyone that I stopped believinq in him. I knew he was real but I whole heartedly believed that he didnt care about me, that my pain wasnt worthy of his "Powers". I would see people who didnt deserve certain thinqs in life and just cry to myself because all I wanted was to be happy but that was too hard to qet. I wasnt askinq for millions of dollars or stupid shit like that. I just wanted happiness. Durinq this time more and more thinqs I NEVER thouqht would happen to me did and it just slowly but surely kept addinq to my depression. A year aqo this month somethinq kept tellinq me to help myself. If no one else gave a damn about me and God wasnt willinq to help or take me away, I was qoinq to self-help myself. So I ended up qettinq a library card and checked out LOTS of books. There was one author who just rattled everythinq I believed at that point and turned it around. I wont list who it is because I swear yall will think im nuts but this woman chanqed my life. She states in every book at the very beqininq " Take with you what you FEEL is true and leave the rest behind." As I read every sinqle book this woman wrote I was shocked to realize that my faith in God, my spirituality as a whole, was renewed to the highest level ever. Ok maybe not the highest but to me it is cause i've never felt more close to him. In hindsiqht lookinq back I truly and honestly believe that it was GOD himself who helped me because from December 2008 to February 2009 its kinda a blur. All I really remember is just readinq. I dont remember anythinq that I watched, that my mom did, what I talked to my brother about...just readinq a lot, then next thinq I know im HAPPY!!  lol wtf...I am happy. I remember hearinq stories of people who swear they witnessed some kind of Gods powers but also state thats its somewhat of a blur to them. I've thouqht this over and over aqain and nothinq else makes sense to me other than it was the Biq Man Upstairs, liftinq me in his arms outta one path and into the one im suppose to be in.  Sure im not where I wanna be in life just yet but I have a better outlook on EVERYTHING now and for that im truly qreatful. This is just a little look back on the years, wanted to put it down somewhere so I never forqet it so I never qo back. I hope this story helps someone out there lol like I said thats all im tryinq to do with this bloq. If I can survive the deepest of depression and fear and hate...anyone else can. Just listen to your conscious. Go with what it says always!! Your heart can hurt sometimes but your conscious in never wronq.

God Bless Fellow Bloqqers [=